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The Fox, the Mouse, the Peacock and That Big-Ass Eyeball

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Ah, May... the dying days of spring are upon us and the summer beckons us into three or so months of lethargy before we reap the harvest we planted what seems like only yesterday...

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Yes, friends--it can mean only one thing--May sweeps are upon us

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And that means the Big Four television networks are on their semi-annual prowl to nurture their more hearty offspring and kill their weaker children in order to appease the Gods of Advertising. In times past, it seemed a brutal, albeit necessary, ritual of the balancing of electronic life. Now, it's more akin to the decline and fall of any given empire, replete with inbreeding and cannibalism. If Law and Order is flailing, bring in The Sopranos' Michael Imperioli, dress him in cop's clothing but change little else about him and call it a "groundbreaking" performance. If House needs a boost, stretch a mundane episode over two nights, have the second part be the lead-in to a ho-hum American Idol boot episode, and call it an "event" (and then top off the entire mess with the utterly asinine Unam1mous. And what better way to perk up CSI than the recurring Dominatrix with a heart of gold and a thirst for justice?

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In short, the traditional networks are doing what any decaying empire does--serve up bread and circuses in lieu of substance. And we, awash in fear and loathing of the boogey men that never actually storm our gates-- but might at any moment--lap it up. We make American Idol the ratings juggernaut it is because we've been duped into believing that we can make or break the next sensation, that we, by god, are going to shape culture.

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The sad thing is--we do. We are the networks' enablers, giving them the justification to serve up pablum, telling them that America is the culture of the Lowest Common Denominator and damn proud of it, to boot. Give us Deal or No Deal--Jeopardy makes your brain hurt.

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The networks know this, and the advertisers that are their overlords certainly do. And both know that the May sweeps ain't what they used to be. So what's a bedraggled peacock, an upstart fox, an ancient mouse and an omnipresent eyeball to do?

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Turn to the internet and the tabloids, of course.

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The Mouse, aka ABC, got a headstart when they made the "startling" announcement back in April that fans would be able to watch, at their leisure, previous episodes of programs such as Desperate Housewives, Lost and Grey's Anatomy via the internet. Brilliant! Finally television was recognizing the shift in our culture, albeit with limited commercials. What they didn't mention, however, is this is only going to be available through June--i.e. through the sweeps. Not to worry, though-- between the travails of Teri Hatcher and the tribulations of Star Jones, they have enough fodder to see them through the month.

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Not to be outdone, the Peacock unleashed the bombshell that Katie Couric would jump the Today ship at the end of May to serve the venerable eyeball that is CBS as the first female network anchor.Who, oh who, could possibly replace her?-- Anne Curry?..Natalie Morales?..no, wait, of course!--the blonde from The View! On a roll, NBC announced that the first hour of Today would be available anytime via their website. Just in case that doesn't grab you, there are the earth-shattering finales of Will & Grace and My name is Earl. Oh yeah--and Deal or No Deal.

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CBS, the eternal, all-knowing eyeball, appears to be committed to online programming with its newly launched Innertube, an add-on that primarily promotes such drivel as Survivor, but has already rectified itself with a 45 minute Pearl Jam concert taped after their appearance on Letterman. There may be hope for network TV after all.

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The fox--need I say it?--FOX may have the best website of the four, even though it is bereft of original programming. Still, it's interactive, animated and entertaining. But when you're the network that demands suspension of disbelief, you don't need a lot of extras on the web. When you have 24, and on a lesser level, Prison Break drawing viewers, not to mention American Idol, you don't need a stream to promote them. FOX may be the upstart network, but they understand better than their competitors that a weekly cliffhanger will rope them in every time.

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But will these new tactics keep the networks alive? Or are they the death throes of an empire still playing out its glory days to an empty stadium?

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My money says it depends on the upstarts.